This blog post has been on my mind for a long time but it’s a post that my kids may not want to read because it’s raw and hurts like hell but its’ part of my journey and I hope my pain may help someone else.
On the 20th of November 2011 my life changed forever. My husband of 18.5 years told me that he’d had an affair with a woman he’d met online but he expected me to stay with him for the sake of our children. I have never felt so lost and scared in my entire life. My number one goal in life was to be a young mum so I could enjoy my kids while I was young, I didn’t have a career, I had a part-time job that paid less than $20,000 a year, even if I wanted to leave my husband I couldn’t afford to support myself and my babies.
I wanted to leave my husband that day but Christmas was just around the corner and I wanted one last Christmas with my kids as a whole family. I cried in secret so many times that Christmas and I struggled to keep my shit together as our families celebrated Christmas for the last time. It was 5 months before I could talk about what was going on in my life because I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth.
One of my best mates was fighting cancer at the same time that my life was falling apart, she was the first person I told. I remember looking across the table at my gorgeous buddy in her gray beanie which was covering her bald head thinking I’d rather be fighting my battle than hers because I couldn’t bear to lose my hair (I wouldn’t really give a shit about losing a boob cos they were fucked after feeding my babies anyway) but my hair was so important to me – how ironic and thank god we don’t know what the future holds or I may have ended up rocking in the corner!!
It is impossible to go through life without hurt, disappointment, tears, fear and rejection but we have to let every heartbreak and every battle scar reminds us of how strong and resilient we are. Before that day in November of 2011 I used to sleep as if I was in a bloody coma but since that day I have never slept through the night, my life has been hard yacka since then but we have to get back up and leave the darkness behind us because the show must go on, even if its one fucked up freak show!
I’ve discovered with this recent move that I NEED the beach and cannot live without it. During the weeks that my husband was confessing his indiscretions I decided for the first time in my married life to take time out just for me so after I’d fed my kids dinner each night I went to the beach to try and process the information my husband was telling me. I finally felt close to the God I’d been taught about my whole life. I used to sit in direct line with the setting sun and cry, talk, dream, reflect and try and get the courage to leave the man who had broken my heart.
It took me 7 months to get a better job, find a rental and get the guts to tell my husband it was over. The emotional manipulation that took place during that time was horrific, he almost had me convinced that my leaving would be the reason my kid’s lives would be ruined forever. I would like to tell ya that since that time I have had my faith restored in men but I have not. I fell in love again but the relationship was not respectful and the man who I fell in love with did not love me in the same way. My Ma is hopeful that I will meet another fella but I have zero interest, I’m happy doing life on my own and peace is more important to me than having a partner.
One of my nieces (from my ex-husbands side) sent me the link to this song today, the words are incredible and so is she. Hannah you are an amazing girl who has had your fair share of battles to fight but look at you – you’ve risen above them and are living life to the fullest. ❤
So my dear readers, when you think you’re never gunna get back up again take one step at a time towards peace because your story is far from over and even though most days will be hard yacka there will be many beautiful days too. Xx